The government has announced strict new legislation to stamp-out the practice of talking on mobile phones whilst driving.

In an announcement made today, the Minister for Mobile Phones, Thomas Edison, said the new laws would see offenders phones immediately confiscated and crushed beneath the wheels of the intercepting police vehicle; offenders would also receive an on-the-spot $6,000 fine, and their vehicle would be impounded for one year without right of appeal.

Extremists in the party-faithful have suggested the legislation does not go far enough and are pushing for an amendment to force the amputation of fingers of those caught texting whilst driving.

Imagine waking up to this news story. Imagine the public outcry; civil libertarians espousing the injustice, the harshness of such penalties; fence-sitters agreeing that phones should not be used whilst driving, but how dare the government initiate such ridiculous legislation.

The public outcry would be enormous; the backlash would undoubtedly overthrow the most popular of governments at the next election.

No, this could never happen; it could never become a reality. Or could it?

I believe that if you checked the statistics, far more traffic accidents and fatalities would be caused by the use of mobile phones whilst driving than were ever caused by someone allegedly being a hoon; yet the government has seen fit to introduce Bullshit Anti-Hooning Legislation which targets anyone who, in the eyes of the media, police and public, is a hoon.

Anti Hoon legislation gives the right to impound offenders vehicles, and even to crush their vehicles if they can’t be rehabilitated. But what is a hoon?

Seems everyone you speak with has a different answer; and in reality, I believe that most people would have considerable difficulty in defining exactly who or what a hoon is, but one thing is certain; if you drive a modified vehicle, you might-as-well have a hoon-target painted on your forehead!

And all this because a minority group of wankers in shit-boxes think it’s cool to tear-up the bitumen and do skids in the middle of the night in quiet residential and industrial areas.

Seems to me that, if the government ever did consider an anti mobile phone legislation, they would have to, in the interest of equality, consider that every citizen in any public place, should be considered a potential candidate for ˜talking on a mobile phone whilst driving, and at the very least, have their phones confiscated for seven days for a first ofence. But only in the interest of equality…

This has been another edition of Not Quite the News…